Validation Seeking Traps
Inauthentic interactions undermine human connectedness and create an unsustainable life
I've recently stumbled upon an unsurprising truth about human connectedness: a key ingredient to be truly authentic towards another human being is the absence of validation seeking. There are of course other trivial and pathological reasons why people don't truly connect but validation seeking has struck me as particularly sinister. You may feel that most of your interactions feel authentic but I posit that there is a striking difference between seemingly authentic and truly authentic human connectedness. For instance, sometimes you will feel closer to someone who you’ve met for the shortest amount of time compared to colleagues you’ve known for years. That’s authenticity at work.
But why is authenticity so important? Most problems we face in our ever complex world are global coordination and collaboration problems. To coordinate effectively we need to be empathetic towards those who we are engaging with. Authenticity is the strongest panacea for a lack of empathy and connectedness. Hence things that keep us from being authentic are counter to human collaboration and civilisational problem solving (I know that if-this-then-that sequence can be probed thoroughly but just lean back and enjoy the ride for a bit). We'll focus in on validation seeking behaviour in this post, as I do believe it to be one of the core problems.
E-N-E-R-G-Y
There is a force that is not neatly described by the classic sciences of physics, biology and chemistry, which we commonly call ENERGY (not the kind measured in Joules). I don't believe it to be metaphysical but probably a compound phenomenon that lays in the Venn diagram overlap of the classic sciences and human sciences. It may be down to a blend of pheromones, non-verbal queues, hormonal fight or flight reactions, brain wave synchrony (or asynchrony), emotional balance, physical fitness, nutrition, sense of self and a whole host of other factors, but its existence is undeniable. We utter the phrase "I don't have the energy" often and mostly it's a shorthand to say "I'm tired, hungry, drained, etc." but I do believe there is more at play here.
ENERGY flows between humans (probably also across species) to govern our relations and the internal state of our minds. It is what determines how someone feels about themselves while alone or in the company of others. When we feel frozen, elated, at ease, drained etc. while interacting with someone else the presence of ENERGY is most obvious. Empathy is when ENERGY between two people flows in a the-sum-is-bigger-than-its-individual-parts fashion. Authenticity is when someone is not seeking ENERGY and is providing hers freely to others.
I grant that reducing inter- and intra-human affairs so drastically to one source is bold and most certainly not comprehensive. There are many components that would need to be addressed to explore the complexities of ENERGY "science" (mind, body, nature, culture, technology, memetics etc.) but those are out of scope for this post.
STATUS GAMES ARE UNSUSTAINABLE
As descendants of pro-social primates (all the egomaniac monkeys died out as they would be ostracised and couldn't survive on their own) a lot of our ENERGY historically has been dependent on our standing in the tribe. The relative-standing-optimisation-game was integral to every day life (who gets the biggest slice) in our not so distant evolutionary past, hence the dominance and obsession of status games in our present society. Just as gorging on sugars that we are hardwired to love given the caloric scarcity of our nomadic past, playing status games excessively in our ever complex unequal societies will give us some equivalent of ENERGETIC diabetes. Not all our ENERGY is tied up in these type of games but for many a majority is.
A human being needs to sustain herself not only with calories to survive but also with ENERGY. This ENERGY can be derived from hard to attain but sustainable sources or from cheap and addictive sources. Status games are an example of a cheap and addicting source that will not keep us full for long, like junk food. Versions of status games are: social media metric optimisation mania (likes, retweets, followers, humblebrags), consumerism brand expression (Gucci, Lambo, Patek), professional achievement title flaunting (Prof, founder, entrepreneur), beauty obsession sexualisation craze (boob jobs, gym bro, ONS), etc. You may rightfully want to object here and say that playing some of these games is required in society and in life to be successful and healthy. I agree. The question it comes down to is, are we playing these games mainly for validation or for ourselves.
Sustainable sources of ENERGY come from within. Yes, there are also external sources that are sustainable, for instance personal fulfilment through a creative pursuit, physical exercise, listening to a moving song, spending time in nature etc. But these are rather ephemeral. An unending source is available from within if we unlock it. Why is sustainability important though? Well if we have infinite ENERGY, then we have an infinite capacity for authenticity, which leads to empathy, which leads to collaboration. If we are constantly running on ENERGETIC fumes, we won't be our best selves and this civilisation is doomed (dramatic much?).
ENERGY INDEPENDENCE THROUGH DEVELOPMENT
The biggest defence against bad-calorie-junk-food status games, is using our critical faculties to reframe the evolutionary narrative. Our survival is not as dependent on status games anymore but our lizard brain hasn't caught up. Neocortex to the rescue!
Kegan’s Theory of Adult Development is a great model for us here to understand the required shift. According to Kegan, becoming an adult is about transformation — changing the way we know and understand the world. We have to enact a “personal Copernican shift” from an egocentric view (the earth is the centre of the universe) to an objective view (the earth revolves around the sun). So transitioning to higher stages of mental development requires a subject-object shift — moving what we ‘know’ from Subject (where it is controlling us) to Object (where we can control it).
If we are stuck at Subject (“I AM”) level, we are attached to concepts and cannot reflect upon them as they are tied up with our being. They include personality traits, assumptions about the way the world works, behaviors, emotions, etc. On the other hand, the Object (“I HAVE”) level allows us to detach ourselves from concepts. We can look at these, reflect upon, engage, control and connect them to something else. As we make this transition adults can go through 5 stages of development:
Stage 1 — Impulsive mind (early childhood)
Stage 2 — Imperial mind (adolescence, 6% of adult population)
Stage 3 — Socialized mind (58% of the adult population)
Stage 4 — Self-Authoring mind (35% of the adult population)
Stage 5 — Self-Transforming mind (1% of the adult population)
Stage 2
We can skip the Impulsive mind (as no adult gets stuck there) and go straight to the Imperial mind. At this stage the emphasis on one’s own needs, interests and agendas is primary. Relationships are transactional. Stage 2 individuals view people as a means to get their own needs met, as opposed to having a shared internal experience (how we feel about each other). They care about how others perceive them, but only because those perceptions may have concrete consequences for them. Conformity with rules, philosophies, movements or ideologies is down to external rewards or punishments, not because of true belief in them.
Stage 3
This is where the majority of adults are stuck. In Stage 3 the most important things are the ideas, norms and beliefs of the people and systems around us (i.e. family, society, ideology, culture, etc.). We begin to experience ourselves as a function of how others experience us (status games!). We take an external view of our ourselves (they’ll think I look stupid) and make it part of our internal experience (I am stupid). We get our thoughts, beliefs, morals from external sources. We look for external validation to derive our sense of self. We don’t have an independent, strong sense of self. When there is a conflict between important ideologies, institutions, or people, we have a hard time answering the question: what do I want? We’re too busy focused on others’ expectations or societal roles.
Stage 4
If we get to this level we can exit status games. In Stage 4, we are able to define who we are, and are not defined by other people, our relationships or the environment. We understand that we are a person, with thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are independent from the standards and expectations of our environment. We can now distinguish the opinions of others from our own opinions and formulate our own from an independent “seat of judgment” (reframing). We develop an internal sense of direction and the capacity to create and follow our own course.
Stage 5
In Stage 5 one’s sense of self is not tied to particular identities or roles. It is constantly created through the exploration of one’s identities and roles and further honed through interactions with others. We are both self-authoring and willing to work with the authority of others. We can not only question authority, but also question ourselves. We are no longer held prisoner by our own identity. We see the complexities of life, can expand who we are and be open to other possibilities — we constantly reinvent our identity. We can hold multiple thoughts and ideologies at once and can understand things from many different perspectives.
On a side note, this is the stage Richard Feynman had in mind when he famously said: "You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously."
TRANSFORMATION NOW!?
It is one thing to be aware of the developmental framework that can lead us out of status games into a land of ENERGY independence but actually transforming is another matter. There are many tools that can help with this journey but (as with everything in this universe guided by randomness) it will be harder for some than others.
Being born into a conformist society with strong non-conformity punishments won't make the shift from Stage 3 to 4 as easy as in a free speech democracy. Certain genetic propensities may make us more selfish (the existence of sociopaths is proof here). Life events that traumatise us, may rob us of the potential to shift. This is why it is hard to judge anyone for what level they are stuck on. All we can try to do is provide the tools and hope for the plasticity of mind.
What are some of these tools? The scientific method, critical thinking, philosophy, science, meditation, mindfulness, psychedelics etc. All practices and mental models that allow us to gain distance from our subjective experience and observe ourselves as an object in this universe, contribute to this transformation. None of this is trivial and most of it is (shamefully) not taught in school, so we are stuck doing this foundational work on our own sometimes late in life when change is harder.
SUSTAINABLE ENERGY = AUTHENTICITY = CONNECTEDNESS
Let's tie all this back together. We put in the work to achieve Stage 4/5, which allows us to exit status games for the most part. This in turn allows us to replace our junk-food ENERGY source with a sustainable one that springs from within. Being energetically independent allows us to abandon validation seeking human interactions. We thereby become more authentic persons and can connect meaningfully with other beings (to collaborate and save the world - voila!).
I'm sure you can find ways to poke holes in that chain of arguments. One critique could be that if we become energetically independent but have a rotten moral compass, then we could use our not-giving-a-hootness to do bad things. True, I've met such people but by and large the likelihood of evil morality at Stage 4/5 is lower than at Stage 2/3. Going through the subject-object shift does for most people open their mind to the necessity of compromise for the greater good.
Another point of criticism is whether becoming a decentralised ENERGY creator doesn't rob us of our feeling of connectedness with others. Ultimately, I think it does the opposite. It allows us to approach people without any ENERGETIC needs and therefore see them as who they are, not as a means to an end or as repositories of validation. We can be our best selves and be generous with our ENERGY to lift others up. Having a sustainable ENERGY source doesn't mean that we can't vibe off of others ENERGY, it just means we are not dependent.
We come full circle. Civilisation is a collaborative endeavour. Doing the hard work is what is required of all of us to make this experiment succeed. If we lift ourselves out of the ENERGETIC slavery of status games, we can meet this world as our best authentic self and thereby create more connectedness.
I shall close with a particularly fitting quote by Ralph Emerson: “It is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”